The Uncelebrated Mother

The Uncelebrated Mother

by Michelle Finn

The holidays are supposed to be a time for family, togetherness, cluttered chaos, and the appreciation that only family can bring, but what if the holidays are silent? As we celebrate Mother’s Day; what if, you have a child who is not able to draw you a picture, pick you a flower, or say I love you? What if, you have no significant other to tell you you’re a good mom. What if, you feel like you are always looking in from the outside and are never invited inside?

I feel like that every holiday. Don’t misunderstand I am grateful to be my son’s mom, every day. I would always choose being on the outside looking in, if it meant another path without my child would include me, but it still leaves that pit in my chest.

Even as I sit here typing this I am in tears, because I know that today social media will be covered with posts wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day, photos of breakfasts in bed, lunches at restaurants, cheesy family smiles, and everything wonderful that being a mom brings.  Social media makes it so much harder, because everyone wants to portray the perfect family, so when you see that Stepford family remember what you don’t see is mom yelling “just one damn photo. Is that too much to ask?” The kids throwing attitude, and mom cooked herself breakfast. We all strive for that “perfect” family, but it doesn’t really exist.

I must remind myself these scenarios as the holidays approach, because I so badly want to hear Mom, I love you. I want to hear my son tell me all the things I did right and all the things that I did wrong. I want to see him bring home a partner, get his first job, drive a car. I want to share an easier life with him. I want memories of little league, first dances, the first time he rode his bike, having a conversation about his feelings, or what he is thinking. So many firsts that we will never get.  I get to watch everybody else’s kids grow up, but mine will always be a baby, no matter his age.

I know my phone won’t ring today. There will be some people on social media that will wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. My child will not celebrate with me. I will still need to change diapers, dress him, feed him, give him meds. There will be no flowers, chocolates, or coupon books filled with promises that he would never intend to keep.

Today will be filled with extra stress and anxiety. We put so much emphasis on celebrations that those of us that are unable to participate tend to feel depressed and excluded.  It hurts. My patience will be a lot less than normal. Essentially, it is a pity party day.

It is nobody’s fault. It’s the circumstances of my life. Somethings you can’t change.

I want my friends to celebrate I don’t begrudge them their celebrations or happiness. It’s a conflicting feeling. I am happy for the other moms, thankful to be a mom, but sad because what I do seems to go unnoticed.

Now, it’s time to put the positive spin on this. Yes, it is hard, because my child can not tell me he loves me. However, he shows me that love all the time. He lights up and claps when I go into Mama Bear Advocate mode.  I remember the first time he did that it made me feel so proud of him and me.

 I have spoken with several adults with special needs, and those who had a mom in their corner, saw the sacrifice their moms made. So many of the people I spoke to told me they recognized their mom’s pain and fear. They saw the way they fought for and loved them, and they gave their mom’s so much credit and loved them so deeply. I know my child sees it, and even though it makes me sad sometimes to never hear his words I know he understands, and I know that he loves me, and that really is enough.

Now, for all of you moms out there who are reading this and completely connect to it       I want you to celebrate yourself. It may not be the same as you hoped for, but you still deserve to indulge.

This is what I will be doing today.

1.I bought a few slices of pound cake and chocolate truffle ice cream. I will not skimp on the serving portion.

2. I will say no to work.

3. I will say yes to giving myself a facial, as that dries, I will lay down and listen to a guided meditation, and then take a hot shower.

4. I will order food to be delivered.

5. My son and I will snuggle in with a movie.

I will still have the moments that hit like a ton of bricks, but I will happily remind myself that I don’t need a holiday to remind me that I am a Kick Ass Mom.

I know it isn’t ideal, but celebrate yourself, because my friend you are an AMAZING MOM!!

Happy Mother’s Day!